Podcast Episode - Best Of: There Is No Shame Or Blame Big Enough


Financial Independence, Financial Security, Saving Money


August 13, 2020

Listen to Podcast Episode:

There is no shame or blame big enough to keep you from being who you are meant to be. Very powerful words, and in this podcast of Women and Money, Suze talks about how you can start over.


Podcast Transcript:

Suze Orman's Women and Money podcast is proudly sponsored by credit unions; a safe home for your money, rain or shine. Suze O. here. Now, listen to me, everybody. While I am healing, Sarah and Robert are going to present the following "Best Of" episode of the Women and Money podcast, as well as the men smart enough to listen, and briefly explain why they chose it for you to hear. So, everybody, enjoy the "Best Of" podcast. See you soon. Hello, this is Sarah here, and this is Robert, and today is Thursday, August 13. Well, Robert, I know we picked a good one for today, I'm really excited about this episode. And for those of you that are members of Suze's Women and Money Community, you will have seen the post I made over the weekend, sharing Suze's words on courage. If you haven't seen them, you can download the free Women and Money app on the Apple App Store or Google Play. But Robert, as you know, I shared in the Community about a conversation I had with Suze last weekend as we reflected on one of the Eight Qualities of a Wealthy Woman. Courage, which happens to be the quality we focused on last week in the community. You know, it was a super emotional call for me. S.O., as I like to call her, and I were having one of those powerful, deep friendship conversations. We get into it pretty deep sometimes, and she said a few things that I really felt resonate deep inside of me. One of them was, courage has to come from the belief that you have what it takes to do it. That can only happen when you are ready to do it, even if it hurts. And by hurts, that can be physically, emotionally, psychologically. We're all three at the same time. She went on to say that courage is the quality that digs far deeper than just doing something. Courage is a quality that translates into a belief in yourself. And finally, as she does when we have some of these deep life conversations, I'm actually typing alongside, so I can remember these things that she says. But also sometimes she's like, hey, share that with the community. She said, and she made sure that I shared this with everybody in the community and I want to share it here, too. She said, so no matter what anyone that is listening here is facing, whether financial or physical, it doesn't matter, you have to have faith in yourself. Absolutely. So as you can imagine, Robert, we got some pretty powerful comments to that very, very long post that I made on behalf of Suze on Sunday. And I thought I'd share a couple of them that I like. Well, I liked all of them, but I wanted to share these two. So the first one comes from Martha A. Bond, and she says, thank you, Suze, for teaching us through your pain. You are a blessing. My priorities are changing, I want to live in harmony, find balance, and have courage. And B. K. Lindley says, one is truly courageous when they're willing to show their vulnerability to others. Thank you for sharing. Wishing you a full and steady, speedy recovery. And, you know, Robert, I know you saw it because we had a long conversation about it the other day. Um, the messages went on and on, there were so many of them. So, I hope that if you were listening and you're not a member of the Community, I really, I truly, deeply hope that you join us. And I know Suze does, too. It's an incredibly supportive, powerful group. I love seeing our members lift each other up, encourage each other, it's truly remarkable. OK, so I know I had a lot of wind up here, but I don't know, this was one of those weeks where I'm really missing Suze. We haven't seen each other in a while because of this, and then, obviously COVID. And she's just one of my most important people, I just love her so much and want her to rest up and take her time and come back to us when she's ready, because I know we're all going to be ready for her. Oh, absolutely. I can't wait, right? I know one day she's going to sneak up on us when you and I are doing our little rift thing here on Best Of. But until then, you know S.O., but until then, what are we cueing up for today for the next episode of Best Of? You know, Sarah, seeing as our conversation about the comments on courage. You know, we found them so moving, so I picked an episode that we first posted last spring, on June 16, 2019, to be exact. And it was called There's No Shame or Blame Big Enough. And in this episode, Suze talks about the emails she'd been receiving and how she noticed the trend from listeners saying that they were ashamed by life situations or choices they had made. Or, a little from column A and column B that led them to get into financial trouble. I remember that. Right, and in some cases that shame, they also felt that because they themselves were victims of financial abuse. So that got me to thinking when we think about what Suze is going through now, and you read that, you know, the courage that she has to muster just to get out of bed, right? And then we look at how, sort of peel back a little bit, look at how COVID has affected so many things for so many of us. And the sort of through-line connecting all of those things together, which is what I love about working with Suze Orman, is that the universe or you know, how everything just comes together. We need to find courage to find our self-worth and the courage to stand for who we are. I mean, yeah, hello? Yes, 100% Robert. I mean, but it's so hard. I mean, it really is. Sometimes it's really, really, really, really hard. So, this episode is a great reminder to us all, so why don't we all take a little bit and have a listen? In going over those questions, which I do personally, every single one of them, there is a trend and I really want to address that on today's podcast. And here is the trend that is happening. Many women are writing in who are in their 50s, 60s, and 70s. And I have to tell, you, I am so honored that you are doing so. And while I love the fact that there are 20-year-olds, 23-year-olds, 25-year-olds, young ones listening, and at 68 now, I can call you young ones. Please don't take offense at that. But that there are young ones writing in. I'm loving that the women who are getting older are finding this podcast, you know again, and I've said this recently, there aren't many things out there that are for all of us as we get older. And what is so wonderful is bringing together women of all ages, so the young ones can learn from the old ones, the old ones can learn from the young ones, and that is a true community of women. And what I want this podcast to be is a place that all of you can bring your money home to. A place that you, and what you've created, can find a home to be one with yourselves and one with other women, and the men smart enough to listen. So that all of us can find true wealth. And when I say true wealth, the definition of true wealth is that which can never diminish. Never forget that money can come and money can go, but what you have inside when it's solid, it is there forever. The trend, let me get back to the trend, for I digress there. You are writing in, and you have such shame over the fact that the relationship that you are in with your spouse, usually your husband, has not worked out. You are 50, 60, 70 and you are finding yourself having to start over again. I have talked about this many times on this podcast, but besides just having questions about money, the truth of the matter is, you don't really care that much about the money, you are so ashamed that this has happened to you. And you don't know how to go back to work and make money again, which many of you need to do, because you haven't worked in years, you are older now. What are you going to do? What are you going to say to people? And so, the question has been, Suze, how do I even start over? How do I start making money? How do I explain to somebody that I'm really older and that, and that I really don't know what I really want to do? But I know I have talents, but are they wanted anymore? You listen to me and you listen to me right here and right now. There is no shame or blame big enough to keep you from being who you are meant to be. You cannot look at what has happened to you as your fault. You created this. You were not a victim to your circumstances, ladies, on some level you knew what was going on. And I am not saying that you created them, but don't be a victim to them. Because when you feel like you are a victim, you feel powerless and when you are powerless other people can feel it. And how do you expect somebody to want to hire you or give you a try if you feel powerless? What will make you feel more powerful in this particular situation? And for those of you who are younger and you aren't in this situation, the women that I am talking to right now, they used to be younger, they used to be where you possibly are right now. They never thought that anything would happen to the relationship that they were in. And so, they weren't quite as powerful with their money as they needed to be. They were thinking that they would be taken care of, that they didn't need to get involved, that they didn't need to have their own accounts, that they didn't need certain things to keep themselves secure. So, you listen closely to what I'm saying right now because you might just one day end up in this situation. Remember, you always plan for the worst but you hope for the best. But you have got to know that you are secure, not only today, not only tomorrow, the next week, the next two years, that you are secure for the rest of your life. And every action that you take needs to be an action that makes sure that the future becomes a reality. But those of you who are finding yourselves in this situation where you need to start over, you're older, you have all this shame, all this blame and you don't know what to do. You simply approach it with the truth. The other day I was watching the Tony Awards and there was a woman who came on and she said something that rang so true to me. And what she said was this: The greatest thing a woman can do is tell the truth about her own life. Oh my God, I was like yes, yes, yes that's it. That's it. And I have in my own way been saying that to you forever and a day now. When you sit down with somebody, don't be ashamed to tell them the truth about why you need this job, why you want this job, that you have these skills to offer, that you're in this situation and you will give it everything that you have. And the reason that you haven't worked for X amount of years, or whatever it may be, just tell them the truth about your situation. When you are ashamed of what has happened to you, what that says is, you are ashamed of who you are, and there's no reason for you to be ashamed about anything that has happened in your life. All right. It happened. Now move on. Get the strength to stand in your truth and tell the story of your life by being honest about your life. Next, I know you need to make money, but you need to start somewhere. So here is the rule. You are to make those that you are dependent upon a paycheck for, dependent upon you. Do not go into a new job wanting X amount of money. Go into a new job absolutely proving to them how much they need you. I have seen this happen over and over again with members of my own family. There are members in my family that needed a job, and you're probably thinking, why would anybody in your family, Suze, need a job? Why aren't you just helping them? Because when you help somebody with money, does it mean that you help them with your life? How many times do I have to tell you, you can never solve a financial problem with money. The goal of life isn't to accumulate a huge sum of money. The goal of life is for you to know who you are, and to love who you are, and to know your self-worth, and to know your own value. When somebody else gives you value because they solved your financial problems with money, are they giving you money but taking away your own self-worth? Taking away your chance to show yourself what you're made out of? So, in my own family when others need money, I do not rise to the occasion and stifle their potential by giving them money. I give them encouragement, I give them strong words, I tell them how much faith I have in them and I help them force themselves into becoming more than they had any idea that was ever possible. Money does not solve a problem and you have to understand that. So, don't look for finances to solve inner wealth, it won't happen. When you solve your own inner wealth and the value of who you are, oh your financial problems will go away, but you approach it the other way. So, when you're out there and you are starting all over again, what you need to do is not care about what somebody is going to pay you, even though I know you have to pay your bills. Care that you can go into a field where you want to be, where you can feel like you are of value, not only to others but to yourself. And that you prove yourself to these people, you make them dependent upon you. And once they are dependent upon you, and they see your value, oh you will get the pay raises and the job promotions that you deserve. Now, I know very well that we have wage equality. I get that. I've experienced that, but do not let that be an excuse. Because I am also here to tell you, when you own your own power, when you know who you are, you can crash through any financial barrier that is in front of you. But you have to be strong enough to be able to do so. But to be strong enough to just even start, to have faith in yourself, where you would look at what is possible in the future, not what happened in your past. Do not spend one more day looking at what you had. There is a lot of money, look at what you have not at what you had. Sure, you can go on and you can look at your past and go, I had a great house, I had all this money, I had these retirement accounts, I had this. But you know what else you had? You had a seriously crappy relationship. Let me just tell you like it is. I know you think it was great, you wanted to believe that it was great, but you would not be in the situation that you are in right now if it was truly great. Because on some level, and I know this is going to sound harsh to you, but on some level, you were living a lie or it would not have ended up the way that it is for you right now. Because the truth is, not only the truth of what is going on that's good, but the truth is recognizing your own feelings that something isn't quite right. What drives me absolutely bats, and I recently just got an email like this, a woman writes in, she tells me about how her husband has physically abused her, has hit her. Three times she had to call the police, and three times she ends up in court with him, and three times while she's at court she decides, oh, he's really not so bad. It's OK. She writes into me and says he's financially abusive to me and he never tells me the truth, he lies to me, he keeps everything a secret. Suze, tell me, what I should do. I write her back and I tell her exactly, you need to leave, what are you talking about? And I ask her, I go, would you, if you had to redo this all over again, would you marry him again? Because that is the question. If you are in a relationship, that is the question that you have got to ask and answer if you are thinking about leaving. Because, again, you are writing to me and asking me, should you leave this relationship? And I am writing you back saying you already know the answer to that question. But let me just make it clear, if you could turn back the hands of time, would you marry him again? And you write me back and you say, no. I know the answer to the question and I know what I need to do. But not this one woman who recently wrote to me and said, yes, I love him, I would marry him again. And I'm thinking to myself, are you crazy? He's battered you, he lies to you, he keeps secrets from you and yet you would do this again? And I write her back and I go, can you just tell me what it is that you love about him? What is it that you like about him? Because in life, like is far harder to do than love. We always give our love so freely. I love you. I love you. I love you. But do you like that person? Do you like them? Do you like your life? Do you like the reality of what's going on in your life? That's the question at hand. Like is always more important than love, because love gets you, in my opinion, to do things that you would never, ever, if you were logical about this, do. And she writes me back and she says, but Suze, I have a house and I have children. Please Suze, tell me what you would do. I don't know what to do. Which is why we need, and I am doing this, you'll hear about it sooner than later. We need to create a community of women where you women can tell that woman what you would do. Just so you can help one another, and support one another, and say, yeah, I was in that situation and here's what I did. Or I'm in that situation and I don't know what to do. So, I know I am rambling right now, I know I'm emotional right now. And then I say to you, what else is new? I should be emotional. I'm emotional about this because I know, I know what every woman is capable of. I know the life that could be yours if you just were willing to take the steps to value who you are. To stand in your truth and tell the world who you are, to not have any shame about what has happened to you, and to absolutely not blame yourself. So, I go back to what is the name of today's podcast? And the name of it is, again, There is No Shame or Blame Big Enough, to keep you from being who you are meant to be. Can you think about that? Can you do something about it? And can you then take the steps to become the strong, smart and secure woman that you were all born to be? All right, Robert, that is another one of our Best Ofs. Just a reminder to everyone listening, we hope you will join us in the Women and Money Community. Again, it's 100% free, you can download it on the Apple App Store or Google Play. We're having incredible conversations, it's a powerful community of women supporting women, and obviously, the men smart enough to participate. And, Suze is using it as her channel to still give us messages on her recovery and give us lots of words and Suze-isms. She continues to have them and share them, and so I hope that you'll participate and use that as a place to also send some love to Suze and KT as she works on getting better so she could come back to us soon. And we thank you very much for listening. Sarah and I will be back here on Sunday with perhaps a little surprise. Oh, my gosh, I can't wait. Hi, I'm Sarah, and I'm Robert, and we're from Suze Orman's Women and Money podcast team here to tell you that Alloya's member credit unions are so proud to have brought you this episode. You know, Robert, credit unions live by people helping people philosophy. Absolutely, Sarah. And that means when you bank with a credit union, you can trust that they have your best interest at heart. The fact is, regardless of circumstance, a credit union will have your back and keep your money safe, that's the credit union promise. Go to www.MyCreditUnion.gov to find a credit union that fits your needs. That's MyCreditUnion.gov. In providing answers neither Suze Orman Media nor Suze Orman is acting as a Certified Financial Planner, advisor, a Certified Financial Analyst, an economist, CPA, accountant, or lawyer. Neither Suze Orman Media nor Suze Orman makes any recommendations as to any specific securities or investments. All content is for informational and general purposes only and does not constitute financial, accounting or legal advice. You should consult your own tax, legal and financial advisors regarding your particular situation. Neither Suze Orman Media nor Suze Orman accepts any responsibility for any loss, which may arise from accessing or reliance on the information in this podcast and to the fullest extent permitted by law, we exclude all liability for loss or damages, direct or indirect, arising from use of the information.


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Suze's Financial Strength Test

Answer Yes or No to the follow statements.

I pay all my credit card bills in full each month.

I have an eight-month emergency savings fund separate from my checking or other bank accounts.

The car I am driving was paid for with cash, or a loan that was no more than three years, and I sure didn’t lease!

I am contributing at least 10% of my gross salary to a retirement plan at work, or I am saving at least that much in an IRA and/or regular taxable account.

I have a long-term asset allocation plan for my retirement investments, and once a year I check to see if I need to do any rebalancing to stay on target with my allocation goals.

I have term life insurance to provide protection to those who are dependent on my income.

I have a will, a trust, an advance directive (living will), and have appointed someone to be my health care proxy.

I have checked all the beneficiaries of every investment account and insurance policy within the past year.

So how did you do?

If you answered yes to every item, congratulations. If you are working on improving on a few items, I say congratulations as well.

As long as you are comitted to truly creating financial security, I applaud you. If that means you are paying down your credit card balances, or are building up your emergency fun with automated payments, that’s more than fine. You are on your way!

But if you found yourself saying No to any of those questions, and you’re not working on moving to Yes, then I want you to stand in your truth. No matter how good you feel, you have some work to do before you can honestly know what you are on solid financial ground.

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