Financial Independence, Money Management, Relationships, Saving Money
November 24, 2019
Listen to Podcast Episode:
If money is not the key to happiness, then what is? Do you have the confidence to attract money?
For today's podcast, I want to talk with you about the question, if you had money, would you be happy? If you had money, would you be in a relationship that was great? If you had money, how would your life change for the better? You know, when I was growing up, when I was really young, I really, really believed that the reason that my parents were so unhappy was that they didn't have any money. So, I grew up thinking, oh, if I just had a lot of money, I would be happy. Then what a shocker to find out when I'm finally a financial advisor and I'm having more money than I've ever thought possible, and I'm still not happy. And I've told you this before, so, if money isn't the key to happiness, what is? And that's when I started on a journey to look within to see why I personally was doing without. Without what? Without happiness, without security, without strength. And what I find is that so many times you make the mistake thinking that money is the key to happiness. If you just had money, you wouldn't be miserable, everything would be OK. And for how many years on the Suze Orman show did I always say you can never fix a financial problem with money?And today a very good friend of ours has come to stay with us for about a week. And he just needed to get away, he needed to get away from what? His life. When I first got to know this person, a very, very successful trader on the floor of a stock exchange, and he was making money and he was great and he had a great house, a great car. Everything was great except for his relationship. And I remember looking at his relationship going well, this is really not a good relationship. They really don't even like each other, let alone love each other. And I remember talking to him about it, but no, he was going to stick in there because he had kids and he had faith. And little by little, things started to change in his life. Trading on the floor changed, so he had to leave that and then he tried something else and that didn't work out. And before you knew it, he had to sell the house that they owned and they had to move into an apartment. And then he was trying something else and that wasn't working out. And no matter what he was trying, it just wasn't working. And little by little, he went from having money in his bank accounts and no credit card debt to no money in his bank accounts, a lot of credit card debt, no money whatsoever. His spouse really wasn't working. She didn’t feel, I guess, that she needed to. But nothing was going right. And then it started to go so wrong that his spouse had to go out and get a job. But even then, there wasn't enough money. And they had to sell furniture, they had to do this, and for years they were not getting along at all. He was sleeping on the couch, she was sleeping in the bedroom. Everybody thought everything was great, but the truth of the matter is it really wasn't.And today we were sitting and he’s such a great guy, I love this guy. He says to me, Suze, do you think if we had had money, if I had had money, that I could have saved this relationship? And I looked at him and I said, oh, sweetheart, don't you understand? You don't have money because you were broken. You're not broke because you were great. You're broke because you were broken. And actually, the very first podcast that I did for the second season is about this topic. But this was so interesting, to me because this man is so smart, financially speaking, but yet not a penny to his name. And no matter what he tries, it just doesn't work. Can you relate to that at all? Can you relate? And you still maybe are thinking, if I just could make money, everything would be OK again.One of the goals of the Women and Money podcast, and the men smart enough to listen, is to make sure that you understand the role that money needs to play in your life, and it is a teaching role. It is the professor of life because nothing will slap you down faster in life than money, lack of it, even a lot of it. It will teach you what you need to know about who you are.And so, we went on to talk about every aspect of his life over the past 15 some odd years, and I said to him, why did you stay? And he gave me the typical answer that every parent seems to give me. I stayed for the kids. I waited until the kids were out of the house and they were in college because I didn't want to break up the family. And I said, really, you don't think that your kids really knew how miserable you both were? He said it's so funny that you said that to me, Suze. The other day, I was picking up my daughter and we were just talking about things, and she was talking about how jealous she was of her best friend. And I said, but what are you jealous of? And she said, well, her parents finally got a divorce, so now everybody can be happy, and I'm jealous that they're going to have a happy life. And he's sitting there thinking to himself, is that what my daughter just said to me? Is she telling me that she's jealous of her friend because her friend's parents are getting a divorce, so now everybody could be happy because they're no longer together? And he said, Suze, do you think I stayed for the wrong reasons? And I looked at him, I said, yeah, you bet you you stayed for the wrong reasons. There's only one reason you should ever stay in a relationship, and that's because you love and like the person that you're with, and that you're thriving with that person. You don't stay in that relationship for somebody else's good because they feel, they know what you're doing, they can feel it, they want out as much as you want out. Your kids love you, do you think your kids want to see you be miserable?So the reason I wanted to talk about this is because it is essential that you understand why money is not the key to happiness. That you understand that you and who you are is the key to having a lot of money, and then you have it all and then you're happy. Because a life where you really love yourself but you have no money is also a miserable life, it can be. A life where you have money but you don't have who you are can also be a miserable life. And it tends that when you are miserable, the money tends to go, or you don't have as much as you wish you had, or you're really miserable because you can't figure it out. Oh my God, I have all this money, I'm still miserable. So, you want to have it all, or at least I want you to have it all. I want you to have a life where you're happy, healthy, wealthy and wise. That's what I want for you. I want you to be able to make wise decisions with your health, with your money, with everything that you have, but to do so you have to have a moment where you stand in the truth.As I continue to talk to this friend of mine he said, you know what I realize, Suze? I realize that I'm so happy now when my friends want to go out to dinner with me, I simply say I can't afford it. I don't pretend like I can anymore, I just simply tell them I can't afford it. And then they always say to me, well we’ll treat you, just come with us. But I don't want to go with them, Suze. I don't want them to waste their money either. I want to go home, I want to make myself dinner and then I want to join them for a conversation. But I don't want them to spend their money on me either. But I'm proud, the one thing out of everything that I've got going in my life right now is I'm proud to be able to say I can't afford it.I'm thinking, whoa, we're making headway here because that's a big thing because none of us stand in our truth. You know, recently I've been giving a lot of talks, so I'm able to interact with you, and it's just so hard. It is so hard for you to just simply say the words I can't afford it. Recently, at one of the talks I was giving, this woman stood up and she said, I have so much shame, I have so much shame. I have $10,000 of debt, I'm just ashamed of it. And I'm like, you have $10,000 of debt and you're ashamed? What are you ashamed of? And then I started to go around the room and I started to say, who has $20,000? Can somebody give me $20,000? Who has $20,000 of debt and a hand, and a hand and a hand went up? And then I said, $30,000, who's got $30,000 of debt? Come on, come on, and all around the room hands kept going like that.So I also tell you this because there is no shame that you have debt. You are not a bad person if you have credit card debt, you are simply a person who's managed your money poorly, that's all. But you're not a poor person, and if you think of yourself as a poor person, you'll always be a poor person because remember, your thoughts create your destiny. Be very, very careful about what you think, because what you think you say, what you say you do. Your actions become your habits and your habits become your destiny. Every time somebody says something like, oh, poor you, or I hear them say poor so and so I go, stop. Don't say that. Don't call somebody poor, don't make your words become thoughts, become actions, become somebody's destiny.So all of this is about what money can teach you. How you have to think great thoughts, how you have to say great words, how you have to stand in your truth, how you have to be proud that you don't have any money so that you can't afford to go out and do something. Who cares? And you can't just make it that here you are and you say to your kids, oh, honey, I can't afford it, and you say it to them in such a way that so pitiful so of course, they feel bad. You have to have joy in your voice that when you say something, it's not that big of a deal. No, we don't get to buy that right now, isn't that great? No, we can't afford it but guess what? I love you more than all the money can buy.So I get that this podcast is all over the place because why? You're all over the place, you have it wrong on so many levels. You stay in a relationship for the wrong reason. You don't admit the truth because you're ashamed of what you don't have. You have got to understand that you have got to turn your entire life upside down. You have to understand that what you have will never define who you are. That you define everything that you have. You define the things around you, you define your clothes, you must never forget that. So as we are ending the year 2019, I want you to turn everything upside down so that in the year 2020 we start it out with the right thoughts, the right feelings, the right actions and what are they? What is a right thought, a right feeling, and a right action? It's a feeling and an action and a thought that always has to pass the three gatekeepers: Is it kind? Is it necessary? And is it true?So this all comes back to my friend who is staying with us and little by little, I can see the life come back into his eyes. The life of just being able to have a voice to tell somebody what he has been going through, emotionally speaking, for the past 15 years. So even though I know that this is a podcast for women and money and the men smart enough to listen, men, I want you to listen to me big time right now. I'm not sure you have anybody that you can go to and talk to about what's really going on in your life. I know that I sit here and talk about women most of the time, but I want you to know I'm talking about you right now, and I'm encouraging you to really try to open up and be vulnerable. You don't have to be strong and carry the entire weight of the world on your shoulders. So as we're ending the year as I just said, this one is for you and the women who are smart enough to listen.In providing answers, Suze Orman is not acting as a certified financial planner, advisor, a certified financial analyst, an economist, CPA, accountant or lawyer. Suze Orman does not make any recommendations as to any specific securities or investments. All content is for informational and general purposes only and does not constitute financial accounting or legal advice. You should consult your own tax, legal and financial advisors regarding your particular situation. Suze Orman does not accept any responsibility for any loss which may arise from accessing or reliance on the information in this podcast, and to the fullest extent permitted by law, we exclude all liability for loss or damages, direct or indirect, arising from the use of the information. To find the right Credit Union for you, visit https://www.mycreditunion.gov/. Interested in Suze's Must Have Documents? Go to https://shop.suzeorman.com/checkout/cart/index/.
Credit & Debt, Saving, Investing, Retirement