Podcast Episode - How To Be Stronger Than You Have Ever Been

For this Thanksgiving episode, Suze and KT have a conversation about an email from a listener who is being taken advantage of by their family. Can you relate to the story? Do you know when helping someone else, may be hurting you?

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Podcast Transcript:

Robert: Hi, everybody. This is Robert, the producer here. Now, now stay with me. I just have two very quick things to tell you, uh, before we get to today's episode. Now the other day, Suze posted a picture of herself on the Women and Money Community app and she asked all of you, how old you thought she was in that photograph. And then she posted that the right answer would be revealed on today's podcast. So the correct answer is Suze is 40 years old in that picture. Pretty cool, right? I really dig that sweater. Uh, the second thing that I need to say to you is Happy Thanksgiving and thank you for listening to this podcast and now on with a brand new episode... (Music)

Suze: November 28th, 2024

KT: Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble.

Suze: Why are you gobbling KT?

KT: Today's Turkey Day? Everybody. Probably my most favorite holiday of all time.

Suze: And why is that? Well, it's because of my stuffing.

KT: This is the day that Suze traditionally cooks and cooks the best turkey dinner ever, ever, ever, ever. We used to have massive, you know, family members and groups and gatherings. Now it's pared down. No, they love us and they so want to have...

Suze: They all have their families, families, families now.

KT: It got too big. We didn't have enough chairs. So when you run out of chairs, you have to kind of re re refigure the plan. So now it's Colo, Suze and KT.

Suze: And we actually love that because Saturday is what KT?

KT: Fishing tournament. Wahoo tournament.

Suze: All right. And once again we are in the tournament, weather permitting. What I was trying to say, have you all noticed a trend that normally I start with the date then I welcome all of you because we always have new people. Have you noticed the trend that before I can do anything after the date, KT's on.

KT: Gobble, gobble, gobble. It is a trend that I hope never ends.

Suze: There you go. So this is the Ask KT and Suze Anything edition and this is the Women and Money podcast and everybody smart enough to listen. Now today we're going to do something that we did before, but we're gonna do it again. It's going to be a conversation. Recently, I got an email because I read the emails along with KT and I said, KT, this email I think is appropriate for Thanksgiving.

Suze: And even though people are gonna listen to this podcast two weeks after Thanksgiving and whatever, it's an appropriate conversation because today, even though it's Thanksgiving in my wishes for the world, I wish every day would be a day that we give Thanks for, thanks for the sun rising. Thanks for the sun setting. Thanks for whatever it may be. But I want all of us to have a thankful heart. This is also a time today, especially when families gather and they come together as one if they can and they share joy.

Suze: But not everybody is in that situation. Some people are in different situations.

KT: The email that we're about to read is not necessarily about Thanksgiving menus and recipes. It's about family and it's about the awkward and the difficult and the sadder side of what families may experience or go through, especially the child with the parent.

Suze: When it comes to money.

KT: Oh, absolutely. That's, that's why we're here.

Suze: So sit down with us, relax and I want you to participate in this conversation as well. I want you to ask yourselves the question. How would you answer it? How do you feel about it? And maybe it can give you some insight to also open up a conversation with your entire family and see how they feel about it on the reverse side as well. All right, KT.

KT: So this is from Cecilia, a daughter. She wrote dear Suze and KT. Your guidance is a blessing and I'm so thankful you are a channel for good in the world.

KT: You often address parental questions around how to wisely act for future generations. But what about family situations in which the parents are financially irresponsible? Is there a financial obligation of the child towards the parent or is it primarily the parent towards the child?

KT: My parents have been in debt and financially irresponsible my entire life even needing to borrow money from me in my youth. Now listen to this everyone and think about this. I still remember at age six, my little yet precious savings taken.

KT: I've had to in many ways raise myself and teach myself how to be responsible with money. 30 years later, I'm now an adult and they still just want to take. So, Cecilia is obviously referencing her parents. She said I've tried to guide them even recommending your podcast, Suze, but they cannot improve and apply any knowledge for change.

KT: So, Cecilia has a problem, right, Suze, she said our relationship has grown ever distant as they judge all my actions with a monetary mindset. Their competitive nature is incessantly sizing me up and seeing how they could benefit even if I wasn't in a position, truly able to give, they see all of my actions as having so much more than them because they are in such a place of lack.

KT: So that's uh a very awkward place for Cecilia to be in. So, Suze, how can I balance giving while not playing the role of the parent as your mantra starts with people first.

KT: If I don't give, I can feel guilty and if I do give, then I feel taken advantage of and like I'm perpetuating an endless cycle. I understand there's a financial obligation parents have towards their children having brought them into this world. But is there any reverse obligation or can I feel free of their expectations towards me? I especially find myself concerned as they inch closer to retirement ages and don't have much of any sufficient nest for all those years to come. Suze, Thank you for your care and help. Please tell me what to do, Cecilia.

Suze: So KT, you just read that letter. We're not answering her questions yet. I'm curious as to how it made you personally feel. What did it bring up for you?

KT: Wow, Suze. It made me feel so lucky, privileged loved cared for. It made me feel as opposite to what Cecilia has experienced throughout her life.

Suze: And loved by who?

KT: My parents, my family, my siblings, so supportive, my parents so did without in order to take care of six children and totally responsible, but I didn't know how much they actually gave up till I became an adult. I did not really understand that. Why? Because I think kids are young and selfish.

Suze: And the reason that I ask you that KT is that even more than me, truthfully, obviously, I spent a lot of money on my mother and everything, but it was a very different thing with me and my mother. 

Suze: You loved that you could help your mother. You wanted, you wanted to help your mother and father. Now, was it your responsibility to do so? Or was it your desire to do so because of how they took care of you and how responsible they were financially growing up?

KT: We never, any of us felt that we were responsible because they never put us in that position ever.

Suze: So then it was a joy for you to give to them.

KT: Oh my God. It was something that not only we looked forward to, but I worked really hard because I wanted to give them something special or thank them in a way that I knew they could never have for themselves.

Suze: And then because they were so responsible with money as they got older and they got sick and your father had a stroke, all these things that happened, right.

Suze: One of the happiest things in your life was being able to get your mommy a home, make sure she had a private aid, do all these things for her. And that was like, because I remember the day she died, you were so thrilled that we did such a good job that she still had $60,000 left so that all the kids, not you but could get $15,000 each immediately because she had a will and a trust and everything. Do you remember that?

KT: Yes.

Suze: All right. Why do I ask KT that, Cecilia? Did you just hear that?

Suze: Obviously it is a parent's responsibility bar none to take care of their children, nourish their children, educate their children so that they can grow up and learn how to thrive in this world of ours. It is their responsibility to do so.

Suze: It seems like they did a pretty good job with you. And why is that? Because you saw by their behavior, how you did not want to do that. I just want you to all put a pin in that for a second. You said something in this email that I found so fascinating. And I don't know if you remember this, KT.

Suze: I have a thing with the Nine Steps To Financial Freedom, which was the best book I've ever written. Bar None. And the whole book's premise to begin with is your first childhood money memory determines what happens to you in life. I went around and I started to ask a question not to 10 people, not to 50 people. Thousands of people.

Suze: Could they ever remember mommy or daddy taking money from your piggy bank and not paying you back?

Suze: Well, everybody, even if they're incredibly wealthy today, whatever that one action of taking money from a piggy bank and not replacing it, scarred them. But it did KT Right. Did it. But it was that one memory that also spurred all those people to go and save money on their own and be responsible for it on their own. So even though that's a hurtful action and memory that you have, I would almost guarantee you that it is that one action plus many after that, that has made you the successful woman you are today. 

Suze: So sometimes when we look in our past, you have to not dwell in the sadness of your past. You have to dwell in the happiness of who you are right now and how you feel about yourself right now. So that was for you, Cecilia.

Suze: KT, with that said, I just have to go back again to answer Cecilia's number one question. Is it the responsibility of a child to take care of their parents? If the parents have been totally irresponsible with money and doing things with it, that's like throwing it out. Is it?

KT: No.

Suze: There you go. I agree with that. Would it be any different if your parents were drug addicts? Because I've gone through this many times with people, they're drug addicts, they're alcoholics, they're gamblers and they have no money and they always want the money from the kids so they can go back to the gambling. They have nothing, nothing. Would you give them the money then?

KT: I would give them intervention, but I would not give them money. I'd give them intervention. That's a responsibility.

Suze: But Cecilia, would you feel guilty not giving them money if that money was leading to the destruction of who they are? Drugs, alcohol gambling? I want you to seriously think about that. I think it would be a lot easier KT for Cecilia to go: Mom, I'm not giving you the money for you to go drink yourself to death. She could rationalize that.

KT: Right.

Suze: It's very hard to rationalize, not giving when, when they're just irresponsible. Which means they spend money, they don't invest it, they don't take care of themselves. Do you agree with that?

KT: Yeah, I do agree with it. I, that's why I'm saying. I think that Cecilia's difficulty here, Suze is that, it looks like she's the only source. She's the only money.

Suze: I have a feeling she's the only child.

KT: I think she's the only money pit, which is why she's really in turmoil about how do I do this.

Suze: So obviously, you see where this is going. Cecilia number one, we're gonna hopefully talk you off the wall of guilt. We're gonna talk you off the wall of feeling that it's your responsibility and we're gonna talk to you on the wall of putting people first, then money, then things because the first thing I have to straighten out is this when I say people first, I do not mean other people. I do not mean go out and take care of the world. I mean, you have got to take care of yourself.

Suze: Maybe I need to change that to you first, then money then things. But Cecilia, the people I'm talking about in that phrase is you.

Suze: So you have to put yourself before money. You have to put yourself into a situation where you feel good about every action that you take. That's number one. Number two. Again, I go back to this. How many years have I been saying that you and your money are one. If you give your money away to somebody who wastes it, what you are doing is you are giving a part of yourself away to your parents.

Suze: Not money. That's true. That's the vehicle. But you and your money are one. Money is a physical manifestation of who you are. So, the reason that you feel so bad about this, in my opinion is that you are disrespecting yourself. You are giving a part of yourself away, which actually hurts more than giving money if that made sense. Did that make sense to you KT?

KT: Yeah, I think it does make a whole lot of sense to me, but I want the listeners to really understand what you're trying to do to help her.

Suze: So now I will get to that. Hopefully, we have answered the question, parents need and must be responsible for their children.

Suze: In my opinion, in KT's opinion, some of you may disagree. There is no mandate that a child is responsible for a parent who is absolutely disrespectful of money only loves me for money, any of those things. Now, when a parent gets old, they've been respectful, they've loved you, they've honored their money, they've done everything they can. That's another story. You know, it's funny, KT, what I'm thinking of as I say this, how many parents even if they're grandparents now, they're old and they still have their children alive, right. Say, I don't want to be a burden on my family.

KT: Oh, many. They all do.

Suze: Think about it. Everybody do any of you wanna be a burden on your children. And I can tell you if you love your children, the answer to that is no, a lot of times I talk to people I go, why don't you just take a little vacation? Why can't you just get a little bit newer car so it doesn't break down on you in the middle of the night or whatever it is. And they say no, I'm saving every penny for my kids. I want my kids to have everything.

Suze: Cecilia. That's how loving parents think they don't look at their kids as a money ticket. They don't make their kids feel bad.

Suze: So if you choose to give money away, right? You cannot feel like you are being taken advantage of then. And I'm quoting your email right now. You have to feel like you are disrespecting yourself.Did you hear what I just said, Cecilia, this isn't about, they have so much power that they could take advantage of you. So you give them money. Only you have the power to make a decision what you do with money, what you do with your life.

Suze: So number one, you have got to get this concept of they're taking advantage of you if you give them money out of your mind. What else would I tell you to do? The first thing I would tell you to do, believe it or not is I would go see them. I would sit down with them and I would look them right in the eye and maybe you tell them to listen to this podcast or that you want to play this podcast for them, sit with them and let them listen to this podcast. They don't want to find no problem. You go over and you sit with them and you say mom and dad, I love you very much. However, I am letting you know from this day on, I am not giving you any more money.

Suze: If you need food, I'll go get food for you and give you food. But make it clear to them that the Bank of Cecilia is closed, no matter what they say, no matter how bad off they get, you have to be strong enough to let them hit rock bottom because I have found over my 40 years of doing this, change doesn't come easy and change normally comes financially speaking, when the people have hit rock bottom, they have no more credit lines. They have nobody to go to, to ask for money. Every avenue of that financial river has been dammed up and they are bone dry.

Suze: So that's what you have to do and you have to be strong enough to do that.

KT: So, Suze, I agree. With all of that. But I would have a slightly different approach. I would talk to my parents and I would let them know clearly that I don't feel good. I've been feeling very sad and very depressed and they say why honey say because I feel that you only want me around for my money.

KT: So therefore I need to feel that you love me for who I am. From this day forward, I'm gonna stop financing you or giving you money or bailing you out.

Suze: All right, you've, let's role play. You're Cecilia, I'm mom. You came to me and you just said that and I say that is not true. We love you for who you are. We've never loved you for your money. We've da da da da da because you have to understand KT parents like this are in total denial. Anyway, you come from a place because you are so sweet, so sweet and you actually don't know anything other than love.

Suze: So just remember KT comes from a family, she has never experienced anything but love in her life. How fabulous is that?

KT: I know. Very fabulous. That's what I'm always thankful for every day. So what I would do, mom. All right, you're my mom, right?

Suze: I've never felt that way about you. Why do you say that you're wrong.

KT: If you mean that mom then starting today, I don't want you to ask for money. I'm not going to give you or daddy any more money. But I did come up with a couple ideas for you to help you when you get in those jams or to make ends meet. I think that you can do a couple of things to make money or to find money other than calling me for it. One is...

Suze: Like what Cecilia? Look at this house, I have nothing here. Look at everything around me.

KT: You have a lot of things and you can sell things you don't use or need anymore who would want to buy this junk? Well, a lot of people, you have a yard sale and you give it a shot. You can probably make about $50 100 dollars. Who knows? But start with that mom second. You may want to downsize and live in a smaller, more affordable place and then there's the jobs, there's always part time work and jobs and opportunities that you can do on the side to try to make those ends meet.

KT: The only thing mom that and dad, that I'm absolutely always gonna be there for you is to make sure that you're eating healthy and I can always assist you in providing a hot meal or maybe even come and cook for you once a month.

Suze: KT, That was actually great. But Cecilia, did you see how that went? Don't go in there when you sit down expecting that your mother and father are going to first time in your life, understand anything that you are saying?

KT: So they're gonna, they won't embrace you with love. They're gonna probably get really mad. So, but here, so be ready.

Suze: But here is why I want you to do it. You aren't doing this for them. You are doing this for yourself. You are doing this so that you can be clear that you have set boundaries. You've said what you wanted to say, that's that you do it for yourself. If they hear you fine, if they don't hear you fine, all that matters is you have a voice and you said it, remember, I've said your voice is your power and you need to switch from guilty to not guilty. You need to switch from feeling taken advantage of to knowing you're not being taken advantage of. You cannot give out a guilt. If you give out a guilt, then you have totally disrespected yourself as well. 

Suze: So you are going to have to become far stronger than you have ever been. And why do I say that? You have given to them out of weakness, not strength, you have given to them out of the wrong reasons because it's easier to give than to say no.

Suze: You now have to say no out of love for yourself versus yes, out of fear that they're not gonna like you. They're not gonna do this. Oh, please look at your relationship already. That would be our advice to you, our advice where you stand in the truth of your own self-respect, your own love and your own thankfulness for giving yourself a life where you are financially, pretty much independent. You are doing things exactly how you want in your own life and be thankful as well that you have parents like that because that's what you have. So you might as well be thankful because look at the gifts they gave you and the gifts that they gave you are gifts of self independence.

Suze: So that brings us to the end of this Suze and KT conversation. Did you enjoy that KT?

KT: I did. But it's a little depressing.

Suze: It's not depressing. It actually, it actually liberating, isn't it?

Suze: It's liberating, but it's standing in your truth. And I have to tell you, KT, this is not just one person having this problem. There are hundreds of thousands of people out there, maybe millions, which is why I chose it for today because I know that more of you will relate to this than less of you, believe it or not. So therefore, there's only one thing that we want to do today besides wish you a very, very happy Thanksgiving. And if you're listening to this podcast after Thanksgiving, we hope you had a great one. But it's this: people first. And remember when I say that, I mean, you. Then what KT?

KT: Then money.

Suze: Then things and if you do that, stay healthy. Stay safe. We promise you you will be unstoppable!

KT: Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble.

Suze: And there she goes again.