I need to have a frank chat with those of you at least 65 or so years old, who are married to a man, or in a long-term relationship where your finances are intertwined.
I wish you continued years of a loving partnership, but I also need you to focus on the probability that you will likely live longer than your husband or male partner. Women who make it to 65 have significantly longer lives than men.
And I know that for many couples in their 60s and 70s, it is still often common for the husband to handle the financial accounts. It is something that is changing among younger generations. But without an ounce of shame or blame, I want us to acknowledge that for more “mature” couples, having the husband handle things is the way you started 40 years ago, and have continued to let it be that way.
If that’s how you and your spouse handle matters, I need you to listen up: It’s time to be more involved in your household finances. A recent survey estimates that Baby Boomer widows will be in charge of $40 trillion over the next two decades.
The time to start learning how it all works is not when you are grieving. Not only are you in no emotional state to patiently absorb information, but the one person with all the answers will not be around to help!
The time to learn is right now. The time to ask questions is now.
It also is not okay to leave it to the financial advisor your husband/partner has hired. You need to have a relationship with that advisor as well. What happens so often is wives lose their husband and then have to start dealing with the advisor who they don’t really know. And there can be a shaky vibe when the advisor says, “Here’s what your husband wanted…” You should never have to hear that. You should know yourself, having discussed all of this and learned all of it, from your husband directly.
And I want to be clear: I am not suggesting your husband (and advisor) did anything wrong. I hope they have made absolutely fantastic decisions. But if you are widowed and have to dive into your finances as an absolute beginner, you are just setting yourself up for stress. It is a known issue that many women fire the advisor their husband worked with. That’s often because they are thrust into this new relationship at a horrible juncture, and with so much on the line, it can be hard to trust this absolute stranger telling you what your husband wanted.
I hope you see the importance of leaning into this now. And if you have adult children you want to make part of the learning, so they can help whoever the surviving spouse is, that’s fine too. The point is that at some juncture, one of you will be on your own. The kindest thing you can do for each other is to make sure the surviving spouse will not have the added stress of having to figure out all the financial stuff while grieving.
That’s especially important for wives with husbands. But it is, of course, something all couples should plan for.
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